Something about Nothing...

To be honest I feel my head is completely empty. No good ideas...like somebody blocked the way for thoughts...not just thoughts, because you know...there are always thoughts in our minds. But what kind of thoughts...quality is what matters. Or am I just lazy? Well...after starting the day at 5.30 AM with the morning work out then continuing with the school from 8 - 3.30PM and then busting my a$$ off at the practice...I am just happy to get to my tiny apartment and I don't even mind being lazy...really I don't seem to mind anything at all. It's just sometimes I feel like a squirrel in a run wheel: run run run grind grind grind seconds...minutes...hours...days go by. You can't even tell where the end of one and the beginning of another day is. They blend into one 120 hours long day. Yes, that's right 120h...5x24. Why 5x? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I live from weekend to weekend. The rest of the week I am like a robot...a zombie. Same ishhh different day. Not even different day...I don't remember what I did on Monday or Wednesday, because it's the same anyway. So I have a specific mindset for that 5-days-long day...have my own game face to benefit the most from the situation. Unfortunately that mindset doesn't support my creative thinking in the amount I wish I did.

So...does that squirrel acknowledge why it runs in that wheel? Do I know why I'm doing that all? I do not know about the squirrel but surely know what's the purpose of my running. And as long as I know and understand that I will keep on running in my wheel...moreover I will make sure that the wheel will be oiled enough to keep on whirling...

Call Me Arrogant...I'm Saying What's Real

Sorority...fraternity...something we Europeans do not understand. When I first came here my friend who had been here a bit longer than I gave me some instructions...some suggestions how to be, how to live and survive here...hahaa...not that dramatic though...anyway one of his suggestions was: "Keep away from sorority girls." Well there was another world instead of "girls" referring to a female dog but lets leave it. At that point I did not understand why, because I didn't really know what sorority was. Now I know: it's one of the silliest things one could be involved in. I really do criticize them and I really do look down on them. And I do not care what anybody cares, that's my own opinion. And I don't even know what it would take to change my mind. So, today my negativity towards them got even stronger when I heard that in order to be in a sorority you have to pay for it...and not just a hundred or two...the girl who told me about it didn't even wanna tell me how much that exactly is, because even she admitted that it is ridiculous. I just started laughing. So I asked what's the benefit she gets from paying all that money and being a part of that circus. She said that there is not particular benefit...it's like a tradition in America and others look down on you if you are not in a sorority. She also said she actually does not like being there and she wants to quit but her parents wouldn't let her. Well she definitely got points from me for that...hahaa. None of my close friends is in a sorority or a fraternity...that's because most of them are also foreigners and have the same feelings about all that thing as I do. And those who are locals but not in a frat or sorority are a bit similar to us foreigners. Their mindset is different...I can actually have a deep conversation with them about the things that really matter in life...that are important... I don't wanna stereotype people a'la all sorority girls are dumb b*****s or all fraternity guys are douchebags. Well...that's what I'm actually doing huhh...:) I believe there might be several exceptions...at least I am trying to convince myself that there are some...joking...it's not that bad...it's just...and I'm keeping on repeating that: THE CULTURAL DIFFERENCE...I guess ;)...peace

Are You Religious?

Religion and I...hmmm...that's something hard to explain when people ask me wether I am religious. I always say that US is different compared to Estonia. So, one difference is the attitude toward the religion...in other words how people look at the religion here and there. A year and a half ago when I got here it was something totally new and unfamiliar for me the role the religion plays in peoples' lives. Americans are extremely religious compared to Estonians. My first semester I lived in a dorm and there was a church in front of the house. I was quite confused when I first saw all the cars parked in the parking lot on Sunday morning. I even asked my room mate what is going on. Now I'm used to that difference and I don't even bother myself calling my American friends on Sunday morning because I know I won't reach them. I still feel kinda awkward when the conversation reaches this topic. I'm not saying I am a atheist, because I am not. I do believe...in something superior...but in moderate amount. I do not go to church constantly every week... not even every month. I go there whenever I feel I need to go there. I go there if I am seeking for the peace in my soul. Then I just light a candle, stand there quietly and think my own thoughts and leave... I do not pray every day. And I do not think I'm gonna be punished for not doing all that stuff that many of you people do. For me religion is not about that. I think every person should have a right to decide...nobody should be forced...it should come from the inside. If a person is used to go to church every Sunday and he/she believes it makes him/her a better person then go ahead. In the same time they shouldn't judge those who don't do that so frequently or those who never go to church.

It's just the way we are raised up. Our culture is just different. Estonians are supposed to be Lutherans. That is only as a result of the 13th Century crusades Estonia was conquered by Germans and the Estonians were christened by force. Before that they were pagans and believed in their own gods of nature. Maybe that violent christening was the reason why Estonians became so anti-religious. I don't know. But the fact is they are almost afraid of it. It's rather a shame to be religious and go to church. I remember when I was younger there was a couple of students in my class who were religious. They were bullied by other students because of that. They were outsiders, nobody wanted to be friends with them because they were religious. Crazy huh? Yeah...it's almost like a phobia.

Now...I am in a bit different situation. I was raised by different rules...in a bit different environment. My mom is half Russian. Russians are more religious. They are a bit similar at this point to Americans. So my religion is Russian Orthodox and I was baptized in Orthodox church when I was only a couple months old. However my mother never forced me going to the church or pray or anything. Which I am thankful for to her.

So, every time somebody asks me if I am religious, I look at my crucifix around my neck and say after a short pause: "Umm...yea...I am". Even though sometimes during some weekends I'd rather forget about it...hahahaa. What can I say...I am just a human being.

Don't hate!

Hate - such a strong word. I don't know but for me in order to say that I hate something or somebody I really have to dislike it from the bottom of my heart. It's almost like a curse word. It is weird but it's really hard to say out loud I HATE... . There are simply nothing I dislike that much to say I hate. It makes me flinch every time I hear somebody saying it. I think I am just not used to it. Americans seem to perceive this word differently. Again...cultural difference?? Might be. Back home this word is used really carefully...you won't hear anybody saying: "Ughh...I hate this team!" or " Man, I hate that professor!".

Today I heard somebody saying: "I'm so glad that Cowboys lost...I hate them! I hate Tony Romo!!" And I was like really?? What did they do to you? How can you say you hate somebody if you don't even know him. I just think people should think a bit before they say something...because...you know...words have a great power. Sometimes we don't even realize how strong this power can be...

So...think people...think. That's what the brain is for.

Astrology rulessss...

I've always been interested in astrology. I really do believe in it. I am a Libra and most things said about that sign I find familiar: I recognize myself. Some people say it's a bullshit, but oh well...

Now...daily horoscopes in the newspapers...that's something else. One of my friends is a journalist and working for a newspaper. So I asked how are those things made. Basically the person who's responsible for the entertainment column makes them up. I know some people who take those daily horoscopes really seriously. And it feels like their life is ruled by them. I don't know, it's just not right. That was just a thought of the day...

Cosmopolite?...Yeah, thats me

I can definitely call myself a cosmopolite - a world citizen, a person who has home everywhere and in the same time nowhere, a person who has no nationality. My life can be well described by a verse from Nelly Furtado's song "I'm like a bird" : I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away. I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is...

I was born in the southern part of Russia, by the Black Sea. I think I was a couple months old when we moved to Estonia. The town I was born in remained as a second home for me since I spent there every summer. When I was 15, we moved again. Not to another country though. Just to a bigger city. It didn't take much time to get used to a new place. My mom is half Ukrainian half Russian, my dad is half Georgian half Estonian. I do not know who I am. My passport says Estonian. I grew up as a bilingual. I learned to transform myself every day: half of the day I spent as an Estonian, as Viktoria (because that's how all Estonians called me). I went to Estonian school, hung out with Estonian friends, went to practice - lets say lived according to Estonian cultural and societal rules and norms. That sometimes meant denying and hiding my other life and identity, my life as Vika (because that's a Russian short version of Viktoria, and nobody called me by my full name). Why hiding? Because of all that history and politics Estonians hate Russians. And I didn't want to be bullied because of that...kids are mean you know. I was Vika the other half of the day when I got back home from school and practice. My family follows rather Russian traditions. I speak Russian to my parents. So, I really don't know what to say when people ask what nationality I am. I just wanna be a me.

Since I have been doing track and field for a long time it gave me an opportunity to travel around the world a lot: a month long training camps, competitions. My home was where my luggage was. Never felt home sick. After graduating from high school I came to America and guess what...I learned to love this country. Right now I feel my home is here. I do not have anybody here, all my family is back in Estonia, but I do not feel home sick. It doesn't matter where I go: back to Estonia, back to the town I was born in or the little town where I spent my first 15 years - I feel home everywhere. The world is my home.

Narcissism...or just a cultural difference???

Okay what is it all about...people taking pictures of themselves in the mirror...bathroom mirror and posting them on facebook?? It realllyyy annoys me. Maybe it shouldn't be my concern...you know...democracy, freedom or whatever. But I'm just expressing my opinion. It's just funny and stupid how some people have like hundreds pictures of themselves in the bathroom...all kind of poses, face expressions, before going out, before going to bed, clothes on and not...so on...if you know what I mean. Sometimes I look at them and think what's the purpose, what are they trying to achieve. Or how much must they love themselves. I see here an excessive symptom of self admiration. I am not saying it is right or wrong. It's just odd...
The other thing what I am relating it to is culture, society. My observation is based on facebook. I compare the pictures of the people on my friends' list who live back home in Estonia and the pictures of those who live here in the States. And there is such a huge difference!!! Among my Estonian friends there were no pictures that would be taken by themselves in the mirror a'la "don't I look cute". On the other hand Americans on my list...

Here it seems to be fine. But listen IT IS NOT COOL! IT IS LAME!
P.S. those pictures here are just examples. Those people are not on my facebook friends' list :)